if you could,
Sunday, February 24, 2008
How weird sometimes e brain couldnt work like e usual. spent my two days lazing and reading e book. It was one of e greatest gift i've ever got, besides my hook-ups and practical gifts. Indeed four and a half hankies out of five. So beautifully written and heartrending to every phrase of chapter the role is going through in her life. Memories do stay, but we cant feel, smell or hug them, and it fades over time. Its e most terrifying experience, to lose someone you love, yet knowing he is helping you grieve in the process, knowing you cant bring him back to life anymore . . . Those nights of loneliness and seeing everyone moved on except you. Waking up in e middle of nights with hot tears flushing down your cheeks, yearning for a big and comforting hug, but to a empty side. Times when you are caught in between of every emotions, to feeling OK and seeing the world goes by. The "what-ifs" and "if-onlys" slapped so hard on you that you thought you might choke. And yet, you have to brave through, for night to give way.
ps, i am still not over you.
The past week was raw. It maybe some lousy excuse that i would usually fire back when i heard someone saying this. I cant find a better reason for me acting shite for those cranky days. I wanted to plaster a banner which says, "I am tired" yet i agreed for e evening's meetups. Hitting e pillows feeling empty and wild thoughts running before putting to an end. Many times, i do not wish to lose my cool, neither was i in control. I cant put a finger on what's wrong. The scene would play and set nicely in my head yet it always backfires in reality. I shouldnt have get upset for the silly parking lot and e "just-5-minutes" of time tearing coupons and destroying two because i vented my fingers on them. I should feel glad when he told me, "its just a dollar, we can afford that, just dont do it again." I thought i sense my blood boiling all over again. Werent it be all easier to park somewhere using the damn cashcard. I know its just 5minuts but i practially hit e ceiling each time. I wasnt being defensive or "enemize" by you. Again, the same old thing inside me would blink in red light, "i've had a long day and i just want everything to falls into place without me worrying or flinching a muscle." I know talking about getting up at sixish and fixing my eyes on reports and analysis isnt e best thing that moment. Cos he too, had a long day, facing clients which storm in or being unreasonable. Rushing home and change before picking me up, seeing me so upset all over again because of one silly phonecall. Things just dont run well, maybe its just me, maybe its e past week of e fever thing that makes things look so complacent suddenly. Or maybe its without the sirocco that makes you feel handicapped. And maybe, so many maybes and excuses. Its not just entirely me. If only i felt the little more effort than usual during this sensitive period.
Lately, i would go on and on inside me, cursing and swearing at the two persons whom i am angry with. Giving me e unnecessary pressure and inserting blablabla. . . I am so angry. I am so angry with the world. Angry at everyone. Goddamnit! I just turn so miserable.